Stonestreet: Who Killed the Centerfold Model? (1977)

Network: NBC
Original Air Date: January 16th, 1977
The great, indomitable Barbara Eden is Liz Stonestreet, topnotch private detective who is willing to go deep undercover to solve any crime. Luckily for the viewers, deep undercover involves lots of hot pants!

The disappearance of a beautiful socialite named Amory Osborn (played by the gorgeous Ann Dusenberry) is somehow tied to a missing hood named Eddie (James Ingersoll). Liz decides to go undercover as a tramp. Actually, it’s pretty vague what she’s supposed to be but she does dress slutty and works on the display art at a porno theater!!! You gotta love this stuff! Anyway, Stonestreet discovers some rather fine jewelry which Eddie, who is in hiding, desperately wants back. The expensive jewels tie him Amory, a woman who lived the high life and also dabbled in porn under the name Angel Collins. And this little side job also leads to the notorious racketeers Jessica Hilliard (Joan Hackett) & Elliot Osborn (Richard Basehart), Amory’s dad. Wow, what a tangled web we weave!

Liz is an apparent master of disguise because aside from pretending to be a whore, she also can go under as a cleaning lady – wow, she’s good!

This is a convoluted by fun mystery with the awesome Eden taking on yet another strong female character. Most of the time, and much to the constant frustration of her boss, Stonestreet insists on not having any backup. It often gets her in big messes though, and at one point she’s even framed for murder! She should really listen to her superior sometimes. Although her feminine instinct does help her differentiate between expensive and cheap jewelry, which must come in handy all the time – or at least here in this pilot for a series that never got picked up. If this had of become a series imagine all of the expensive/cheap things she could have ferreted out!


Joan Joan Dancer, Your Life is Calling!
Eden is helped out by the awesome cast, which includes a young Sally Kirkland as one of the employees of the porno theater and LaWanda Page (who doesn't play an employee of the porno theater)! Of course Joan Hackett is amazing and a lot of fun to watch, making an appropriate foe for Eden.

So if you like TV movie sleaze, hot pants, socialites turned porno stars, Eden in barely-there clothes and a bit of mystery, then Stonestreet is waiting for you!


Must. See. Must. See.

RIP Farrah, The Most Courageous Angel

June 25th, 2009 may very well turn out to be one of the most surreal and sad days in pop culture history. Along with the shocking death of the King of Pop, Michael Jackson, we also lost not only a beautiful and talented actress, but also an icon and one of the most courageous women I have ever seen. The world watched Farrah as cancer took her life, but it could not take her amazing spirit.

I wrote a tribute to Farrah at Pretty Scary. Please stop by and take a look back at the life of this amazing woman.

Can You Help a TV Movie Lover Find her Faves?

Vince Edwards = Hawt

I dare you to contradict that statement!

And I'm not the only one who feels that way. Someone has recently asked me if I could find the pilot to Matt Lincoln starring Mr. Edwards. The title of this pilot is Dial Hot Line (but should be called Dial Hawt Line, if you know what I mean!). Also, they would like to find another small screen Edwards flick titled The Courage and the Passion, which I would like to find myself. I see it was directed by my TV movie hero John Llewellyn Moxey!

If anyone has access to either of these, please contact me. I can't give you anything in return except the eternal gratefulness of a lifelong fan. How cool would that be?

New Review at Retro Slashers!

And it's for a TV Movie! YAY!

I got a chance to see Terror at the London Bridge this past weekend in the theater! Someone got their hands on a beautiful 35mm print from Europe and let's just say it was TV movie heaven!

Enjoy!

Supertrain: Express to Terror (1979)

Network: NBC
Original Air Date: February 7th, 1979

I sat down and watched the pilot to this infamous flop of a series (reported to be one of the biggest financial disasters for NBC) a couple of weeks ago. What struck me most about the whole thing was how unmemorable any of it was. And now I’m struggling to recall what I saw in the first place.

Concept-wise, Supertrain is gold: A futuristic train, roughly the size of a small city, or rather a boat… a Love Boat presumably… takes off to parts unknown as the kooky crew and passengers find themselves in various hijinky situations. Seriously, how can this premise executed by the normally deft hands of Dan Curtis turn out to be such a misfire? I still can’t figure out why it didn’t work. It’s another one of those things where the elements are all there, but for whatever reason, it just doesn’t gel. Like those tee shirts in the 80s that were supposed to change color based on your body temp, i.e. a mood ring made of cotton. Sure it sounds cool, but basically it’s just changing colors because you’re sweating. Yuck.

I would very much like to dance, dig?


The great Keenan Wynn is Winfield Root, this kind of mad-genius-half-senile-super-millionaire who devises a way to get the train systems back on, uh, track. He builds a large “super train” that is two stories and seems to run the length of forever. The best part of his brilliant invention is that for it to work, all of the America would have to redo their train tracks. But never you mind, the train business is ready to boom again and somehow get this puppy going. On the inside, you would never guess you were in a train and unlike the semi-realness of the Love Boat set, not once do you truly believe this set is in motion.

The crew themselves are so forgettable that I’m wracking my brain right now trying to remember who was who. I can’t even bring to mind any images of the wonderful Robert Alda who played Dr. Dan Lewis. I feel all bad about it too.

Where Supertrain gets really, uh, derailed is with its “all star” cast, who, again, must have looked great on paper, but the majority of them are given such little screen time you have to wonder why anyone bothered. Yes, you’ll see Fred Williamson, George Hamilton, Vicki Lawrence & Stella Stevens and the cumulative amount of time they spend on screen is less than 10 minutes. I mean, why bother?

The main story revolves around the always fun Steve Lawrence who thinks someone is out to kill him. He might be right too. Seems creepy hit man Don Stroud (oh Don, how I love you!) might be out for a little bloodshed (or he might not be…), and his adorable girlfriend Char Fontaine (who owns the greatest disco wardrobe in history) seems more interested in Lawrence than hot old Mr. Stroud. Well, go girl! Don Meredith is Lawrence’s buddy and well, that’s about it.

A woman and her hat terrified!

There is a Gopher inspired subplot with Patrick Collins trying to get laid while the rest of the crew seems to determined to make sure he doesn’t. It’s cute, but not all that funny.

I guess when you call your pilot Express to Terror and then waffle it between a legit mystery and semi-comedy (and aren't very adept at either), you’re kind of risking losing your audience. And while I’m all forgiving and stuff, its obvious most of the attention was paid on the sets and less on the writing.

The Supertrain series bombed but managed to run for about 10 episodes and featured some great actors like Rebecca Balding, Victor Buono, Elaine Joyce and Dennis Dugan (my god, I love that guy!), but ultimately, people weren’t that curious about the monstrous train that could and tuned out.

Express to Terror did see a limited vhs release but the majority of Supertrain has faded into obscurity, and like the train itself, in a big way. However, if you are so inclined (and you certainly should be), this incredible Supertrain website run by a man named Tony Cook should satiate your hunger for this ill-fated series. I wanted to love it. Truly I did, and I’m glad I saw the pilot, but for someone who loves retro television as much as myself, to feel all blah about it makes me feel all blah about it. Ya dig?

Heading off into the sunset... forever

Testing

Testing...1...2...3

Country Justice aka Family Justice (1997)

Network: CBS
Original Air Date: January 14th, 1997

The beauty of being sick (which I have been all week) is that you sometimes, in a ill-stupor, come across movies you never knew were worth seeing. This happened to me last night when I put on Lifetime in the hopes of drifting into a nice “Television for Women” slumber. Of course, slap George C. Scott into anything and chances are I’ll want to see the whole thing anyway, but I was please with just how good Country Justice was.

George C. Scott plays Clayton Hayes, an aging miner who takes care of his loving granddaughter Emma (Rachel Leigh Cook). She begins to long to see her mother Angie (Ally Sheedy) and during one Christmas break she travels alone to her mother’s shabby mobile home in another state. There she meets Ray (Don Diamont, looking hot even with a mullet), Angie’s lover. Smitten with Emma, who looks even younger than 15 years old (creepy!), he wines and dines her and after one hazy night of sex (was it rape? Even Emma doesn’t know…), she becomes pregnant. With the help of her grandfather, Emma has the baby and after some woeful medical bills, decide Clayton should adopt the little boy so he can have medical insurance. Of course, creepy Ray – who’s been prowling around Clayton’s place for some time now - decides better of it and gets custody of a kid he really doesn’t want. Clayton takes off with the baby and with the help of his fellow trucking and mining buddies, goes on the lam.

Lifetime is where it's at!

Let’s face it, by 1997 most tele-films were nothing to write home about. Granted a few good ones came out, but the interest in small screen stand alone features was pretty sad, and no wonder, since the 90s was the age of the disease-of-the-week. It's easy to see why this movie came and went under the radar. Well, thank god then for Lifetime who has kept this film alive over the years. I have seen it advertised several times, but never had a chance to catch it until last night. Here I am, over 12 hours later and I’m still thinking about it. I mean, it’s not some incredible study on human existence or anything, but it’s thoughtful, sweet and yeah, a little sentimental – in a good way. This was one of Scott’s last films and I think a nice turn for such a strong actor who often played it a little louder. Here he’s just a grandfather. Kind, caring and oh-so-watchable. Cook is great and lovely in the part. I felt really bad for her and her situation and although I thought Ray was mega-hot, Diamont definitely got the creep vibe working. I couldn’t wait to see him just go away. Sheedy is good, but her part is small and doesn’t really figure in like the other three.

OK, so you hear the words Country Justice and George C. Scott and I know you’re thinking he’s just going to blow off Ray’s head, but he doesn’t and I’m glad this movie wasn’t some crazed hillbilly crime drama. Instead it’s about people taking care of their own and finding hope in the darkest circumstances. In other words, it’s about life. So I guess that makes Lifetime the perfect station to play this underrated drama!

Join My Facebook Group

Hey all,


I just started a Made for TV Mayhem Group over at Facebook. Come one, come all, ya'll. Sign up or the Equalizer will put a cap in your ass. Seriously.

Also, one of my fellow Retro Slashers scribes, Christian Sellers just wrote a fun article on a Small Screen Slasher called I Saw What You Did, which stars Tammy Lauren and Shawnee Smith. Stop by and check it out, yo!

The Don't Be Afraid of the Dark Remake: The Real Scoop

Imagine the jaw-dropping horror that ensued when I read that Jerry O’Connell was going to star in the remake of Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark. Seriously, the obnoxious actor from Joe’s Apartment is slated to play Jim Hutton’s befuddled character in the small screen classic?

Well, no, actually.

Turns out I misread that little tidbit (and it inspired the Remakes Schremakes piece) , although I was correct that they are remaking Don’t. Guillermo del Toro co-wrote and will produce and Katie Holmes will star. Granted, hiring beautiful, poised tabloid fodder would not be my first choice as Darby’s replacement, but I’m not too upset about the remake. For one, it’s a bona fide obscure classic. Second, it’s made for television and while so many remake supporters say these “re-imaginings” bring attention to smaller genre films, most remakes are of movies even non-horror fans are pretty familiar with. So, if it shines a light on the television film, one of the most oft-maligned genres, than more power to them. The story itself is already radically changed, according to IMDb:

A young girl sent to live with her father and his new girlfriend discovers creatures in her new home who want to claim her as one of their own.



It also doesn’t hurt that this movie is being done by del Toro. Recently, I was reading the script review of the Nightmare on Elm Street remake at Retro Slashers, written by my fellow contributor BodyCounter, and he pointed out that the great remakes (The Fly and The Thing) were remade by visionaries. If del Toro isn’t a true visionary than I don’t know who is. I think if anyone can capture the claustrophobic fantastical home invasion fear of Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark, it’s him.

2011 is some time from now, but I’m already eagerly counting the days!

And I can’t believe I just said that, but it’s true!

Cry Panic (1974)

Network: ABC
Original Air Date: February 6th, 1974

Even with the upcoming release of Dark Night of the Scarecrow the fact still lingers that most of the classic television movies have yet to find a home on DVD (or even on vhs for that matter). Whether they are stuck in copyright hell or the studios just think a DVD release won't generate any revenue, there are still plenty of interesting movies available. I’m always shocked at what I can find on disc in some cheap release. Would I prefer a better transfer, extras and perhaps a little commentary from the actors or filmmakers? Sure, but beggars can’t be choosers, and I support the release of any TV film wholeheartedly.

Looks dead to me!

I was happily surprised when I picked up a copy of Cry Panic, which is featured on a two movie disc with something called The Inside Man (not a TV movie), to find a very good movie. I think it’s easy, even for big fans of television films (yeah, all three of us!) to forget that dozens, if not hundreds of television movies came out in that golden era and just because it doesn’t have Trilogy or Satan in the title, they’re still worth checking out.

She's got a secret.

And that brings me to the actual film (I know, enough already, on with the movie!). John Forsythe puts in a good turn as David Ryder, a man who’s been driving all night to a job interview. As he’s passing through a small town, he accidentally hits a man, knocking him (and his own car) into a ditch. Once he realizes he’s killed this man, Ryder high tails it to the first house to call for help. A beautiful woman (Anne Francis) answers the door, leads him to the phone and hands him a stiff drink. Back at the sight of the hit and run, Sheriff Cabot (the great Earl Holliman) has already begun pulling out the car and searching for the dead man. When no body is found, Ryder is led to the police station to make a statement and told he’s just drunk and tired and needs to rest. The mysterious woman shows up a bit later at a bar, giving Ryder the heads up that something is just not right in this idyllic little desert town. Things begin to unwind in a confused fashion as nothing Ryder claims to have happened can be substantiated. Has he gone crazy or are his conspiracy theories correct?

They've got a secret too.

Cry Panic is pretty great. There’s a little bit of Lynch-esque beats with Francis and the concept of nothing-is-what-it-seems-in-this-small-town. Of course, it never goes to the extremes Lynch does, nor does it possess any kind of nightmarish imagery, but there is definitely a feel to this film, or at least during the first half. The second half is played a bit more straight as the mystery gets ironed out, but is just as enticing as the first.

The actors in Cry Panic are great, giving every bit of dialog a second meaning. Is the postman really trying to abscond with Ryder’s mail or is he just sorting the letters? I love the way it all unfolds in front of Ryder. The pacing is phenomenal. It’s slow, yes, but deliberate and helps make the mystery interesting to us. The bits with the mysterious woman are done in just such a way that it leaves a palpable air of unease afterwards. Cry Panic is a movie that knows its medium and how to pull off small screen thrills without going to grandiose measures. It’s all about the little things here and does not disappoint.

Ryder has seen better days.