I am very excited to present Made for TV Mayhem's first crossover episode, which is titled Blood Shower Power! In this episode Dorothy Zbornak (Amanda By Night) appears as a foil to Laverne Todd (Aunt John)! We are here to present the crossing of Kindertrauma and my site as we present tonight's Name That Trauma! We are sort of like Svengoolie if he was an independent and sarcastic woman in the 80s. And by we, I mean mostly Aunt John who wrote about one of his earliest kindertraumas. Shelly Smith is tonight's other guest star, and she'll be acting alongside an angry house and a freaky shower.
Name That Trauma : Aunt John of Kindertrauma on a Bloody Bathroom
In the late ‘70s/ early ‘80s, my folks were still on top of their parenting game and strictly enforced a 9pm bedtime. Special exceptions were granted for very special episodes of The Incredible Hulk and that was about it. When the clock struck nine, you had to be in bed.
(Best Sophia Petrillo voice) So picture this... one night a young Aunt John awakes after the mandatory bedtime and comes down stairs in his family's split-level home looking for a glass of water. He is wearing footed pajamas and he is parched.
When he gets to the kitchen, he spies his mother five steps down in the family room doing some ironing and watching TV. Knowing he should not be out of bed and if his Mom catches him -- there will be a shit-storm of epic proportions, Aunt John takes a seat on the top of the stairs from the kitchen to the family room to see what his Mom is watching. Usually she is watching the taboo series The Love Boat or Fantasy Island -- taboo in the sense that both air after 9pm.
This night, however, it was different because it was neither The Love Boat nor Fantasy Island, there was a blonde lady getting into a shower who clearly was not Cruise Director, Julie McCoy. The water started and then it turned to blood.
Aunt John picked himself up from that top step and ran back to bed. Glass of water be damned, he was not thirsty. For years and years, he thought about that scene, especially when he would be taking showers in strange bathrooms, and he would wonder where it came from.
Flash forward to when Aunt John finally meets up with Unkle Lancifer 25 some odd years later and they came up with the idea for Kindertrauma. Along with Dark Night of the Scarecrow and Snowbeast, This Is House Possessed stands as one of Aunt John’s personal Name That Traumas!
Those are the lovely sounds I make when I think of most remakes. I have never been shy about my disdain for our re-boot culture and I tend to dislike all the horror re-imagining that is so popular these days. Of course, a few come down the pike that make you think maybe someone was actually thinking about the film (Dawn of the Dead, I’m looking at you), so I know it’s not impossible for a remake to be good… it’s only unlikely.
Yet, despite all that negative energy (which is so un-70s of me), I find that I enjoy the world of TV movie remakes. OK, so it’s a much smaller planet, with very few features inhabiting its orbit, but I have thus far enjoyed the bulk of the films which have found new life through their re-imagining. Like, I know Satan’s School for Girls 2000 is in no way better than the original, but it’s a pretty fun little flick, as was the Initiation of Sarah reboot from 2006. What I like best about these films is that they come from truly legitimate obscurities and shine a light on originals that might otherwise only be a part of the ultra-cool lexicon of the ultra-cool TV movie fan. So maybe 1973’s Satan’s School for Girls won’t touch a nerve with young girls of today, but the Charmed friendly updo (complete with casting Shannen Doherty in the lead) certainly strokes our inner wiccan.
Now TVMs are getting remade in a big way. Two films are due out, The Woman in Black will (hopefully) get a release date soon and Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark is gearing up for a major theatrical run starting August 26th. Despite my apprehensions about Katie Holmes (and really, that’s only elicits the slightest of hesitations… Go rocked!), I have high hopes that Dark will be a great piece of horror filmmaking, and inevitably some eyes will turn to the original. The thing about the first film is that it stands in a certain place and time. It’s still a classic and it's sure to garner new fans, but how could it be as popular as, say, oh, Ladykillers which is replete with nubile male strippers and the blonde Tina Turner wig?
What? You say male strippers aren’t that popular anymore?!? Where have I been? Oh, I know... 1986. It's good here.
When Lance from Kindertrauma suggested we compose a list of potentially great TVM remakes I instantly pulled some titles off the table. The big classics such as Duel, Dark Night of the Scarecrow and Bad Ronald seem untouchable to me. Is Bad Ronald perfect? No. But I can’t imagine any one other than Scott Jacoby filling those creepy shoes. While it’s not always the case, I believe most remakes should come from a mostly unseen source. The films should have good bones but lack a certain oomph that takes it to classic status. I know not everyone feels that way, but it’s how I roll. Lance offers some strong arguments though, and everyone should check out his fantastic list.
OK, so here’s where we are… By and large I normally detest remakes unless they are made from TV movies (preferably obscure). There are certainly plenty of films to choose from, and the list I compiled came from metaphorically pulling names from a hat (i.e. I made a random list and chose whatever titles made me say, “Oh, OK!”). Here is the unsystematic list I put together of ten films I think are worthy of throwing a few of the big Hollywood bucks at:
Do Not Fold, Spindle or Mutilate (1971): I teetered on adding this one to the list because the original is so wonderful as it is. The four leads: Helen Hayes, Myrna Loy, Mildred Natwick and Sylvia Sydney are perfect in their parts as elderly women who jokingly create the perfect woman for a computer dating service. The idea is that the correspondence from potential male suitors might liven things up for these fiery old ladies, but instead they lure a psycho (Vince Edwards) into their lives. He is determined to meet his dream girl any way possible. The story is fun and original, but what really makes Mutilate such a great film are the pre-Golden Girls ladies who refuse to kowtow to stereotyping. They drink, have a wicked sense of humor, and enjoy living their lives to the fullest. In today’s society we see too many women fighting the age clock with every superficial weapon possible, instead of embracing their lives as fulfilled, experienced (sometimes wrinkled), and most importantly, vital people in the world. I think if someone could manage to hire actresses more interested in accepting their age rather than hiding from it, we could have a friggin’ revolution on our hands! OK, maybe not a revolution, but would someone please call Judi Dench, please… I have a movie idea for her! (Click on title for review)
Crawlspace (1972): I’ve been thinking a lot about this film which stars Arthur Kennedy and Theresa Wright as a retired and childless couple who allow the bug-eyed Richard (Tom Happer) into their house. At first Richard just wants to hang out in the crawlspace in their basement, and while no one is quite sure why he’s so off his rocker, the sweet couple believes they can bring him back to society with a little parental love. Of course the whole thing backfires and we come to learn that inherent distrust isn’t always a bad thing. Directed by the John Newland who also helmed the original Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark, Crawlspace (both the film and novel) focuses on how some disconnect with civilization, and why some people will never stop reaching out those self imposed loners. While we like to think of ourselves as an iPhone culture, knee deep in social networking, some of us find that we are farther from society than ever before. There’s something here in Crawlspace that could easy transcend to contemporary culture, and it could be as equally moving if done correctly. (Click on title for review)
Madame Sin (1972):Madame Sinshould be a well known film. Let’s look at the cast; we’ve got Robert Wagner as a James Bond type and Bette Davis as an Asian (!) evil super force! She kidnaps Wagner and holds him hostage in her Scottish (!!) castle in the hopes she can use him to steal a Polaris submarine…!!! Holy cow!!! What is this? This lush and engaging spy thriller was directed and co-written by David Greene with such a sure hand you start to buy the crazy plot. The main reason I’d like to see this remade is because then we might get a DVD of this sadly overlooked and charming oddity.
Where Have all the People Gone? (1974): Hey baby, it’s the year of the rapture and the apocalypse is coming! Why not celebrate with a film featuring the disappearance of 90% of the people in earth? Peter Graves starred in this excellent slow burn of a film that relied more on mood than overt terror. While I appreciated the (mostly) off screen dog attacks, imagine what could be done now? Also, it’s a timely issue, since we are in a non-stop argument over the environment and our place in it. Watch nature take its course in what could be an absolutely brutal retelling. (Click on title for review)
She’s Dressed to Kill (1979): Want to remake a slasher? Try this rarity featuring beautiful models stranded in a large mansion on top of a secluded mountain. The setting and atmosphere of Dressed is full of creepy ambiance. It’s also a relatively unknown slasher that screams glamour and begs for an update. In modern horror, films tend to want to encourage antagonistic female relationships, so why not put them in a situation where being hostile is part of its charm? And the clothes, oh the clothes... Where's Travilla when you need him?
This House Possessed (1981): Whoa, wha-? I don’t want certain films like Duel or The Night Stalker touched, but I’m OK with my all time favorite made for TV movie hitting the re-chopping block? Yes, sir. As much as I love Possessed (and trust me, I love it), I wouldn’t mind seeing it redone on an epic scale. The house hauntings are orchestrated through modern equipment and I love the idea of the vast gadgetry that could wreak vengeance on the protagonists. All I ask is that someone give Parker Stevenson the role of the music manager (originally played by Slim Pickens). Throw a cowboy hat on my main crush and give him a slightly earthy southern accent and I’ll be at every screening of the film! (Click on title for review and read another review here)
Desperate Lives (1982): OK, so I see this movie as the Reefer Madness of the 80s, and remember how that one got a re-do as a musical? Picture it - a little dance number while a girl has a giant drug freak out before she jumps through a window. That’s good stuff! What makes Desperate Lives work (and yes, it does work in an overwrought fashion) is that it’s so earnest in its message, but so overt in its direction. It is completely misguided and ridiculously fun - all it's missing is a good beat I can dance to!
I, Desire (1982): While we’re living in a modern world replete with emo-vampires, I think it’s about time to resurrect this sexy little thriller and put the campy back in vampy! The anti-Twilight crowd says they want something edgy, and this might make a good compromise. Desire isn’t the deepest film ever made, but it does have feature a vampire doubling as a prostitute, so there’s your edge. It would be really fun to get knee deep in a little vampire sleaze and take away that clean cut image they have been getting. (Click on title for review)
Deadly Lessons (1983): Although I didn’t get a chance to see it until much later, I remember when Deadly Lessons first aired. I was desperate for a slasher film that might be less gruesome than the more popular output (by the way, I was a chicken shit when I was a kid). This film looked destined to be the chance I had to experience some fun stalk and hopefully a little toned down slash, but for whatever reason, the film escaped me until I was an adult. Unfortunately, by then I could handle a lot more gore and looked to Lessons as more of a kitschy addition to the gene. It is also unfortunate that Lessons isn’t either scary or cheesy. It’s not horrible, but it’s not great either. I love the setting and I even enjoyed the killer’s reveal, so there’s much here to work with and I’d like to see this get the royal slasher redux treatment.
Velvet (1984): Seriously, this pilot movie about a band of female agents who work undercover as aerobics instructors is just gold waiting for pick up! It’s sort of like an unabashed Charlie’s Angels rip with more leotards. One agent even has a lipstick tube which doubles as a bomb detonator. Sorry, this pilot movie needs to be remade, perhaps is should still take place in the 80s, embracing every neon-tipped stereotype it can handle. And don't touch that awesome theme song... OK, it's awesomely bad, but still...
I whittled down this list from a couple of dozen titles. Far be it from me to say this is the end all, be all... Do you think there is a title that should be on this list?
Thriller was a British television series comprised of stand alone episodes that ran the length of a film (well, a tele-film, which is about 74 minutes). This show often aired on my local channel when I was growing up, but Dial a Deadly Number is the only one that really stuck with me. I had actually forgotten I’d even seen it until about 10 years ago when I flashbacked to a scene from an unknown movie featuring a sneaking marauder breaking into someone’s bedroom and slicing their wrist while they slept. The wound was just deep enough that it left one gruesome ouchie. The scene chilled me as a kid and it resided somewhere deep inside my rolodex of creepy horror images. At the time I remembered it, I started to recall other scenes, and it took me years to find out that I was actually mashing up this Thriller episode with Scream, Pretty Peggy. Without giving too much away, the last scene of both films are visually similar, only one culprit is male while the other is female. Once I saw Peggy, I was able to separate the distorted images and I finally ID’ed an actor, Gary Collins. Then I had to go back through his filmmography and filter through the titles and descriptions. The second I came across the words Dial a Deadly Number a little bell went off in my head and all that remained was locating a copy.
What one does for their love of the scary stuff.
So here I am, over 30 years after my initial viewing of Number, and it was just a creepy as my haunted childhood memories.
Gary Collins is Dave Adams, a down on his luck out of work actor (is there any other kind?) who turns con-man when someone dials the wrong number. Mistaking him for a psychiatrist, Helen (Gemma Jones) begs the good doctor for help. She is disturbed by vivid dreams that she has committed murder, and she is worried this means she will kill in the future. Adams schmoozes his way into her life, but ends up taking more of an interest in her sister. Ann (Linda Liles) is the older, prettier and more charismatic sibling and she gives clues into Helen’s disturbed past, but he’s more worried about getting into Ann’s pants that he doesn’t realize he might end up paying for his misdeeds with his life.
Dial a Deadly Number is a methodical and exceptional thriller with lots of stark imagery, thanks to Helen’s rather vivid and gruesome “dreams.” The story may feel a tad predictable, but it’s so well acted and paced that the scares remain genuine. Brian Clemens penned the entire series and how he came up with so many unique and suspenseful stories is anyone’s guess.
Despite being shot on video and usually contained within a few sets (and a couple of outdoor shots), Thriller looks and feels great. I always thought the video quality on anything that wasn’t a soap opera or sitcom added something eerie to any movie, and shows like Thriller are obviously attached to that feeling. Gary Collins appeared in three episodes of the series. I’ve seen one other, which is called Only a Scream Away, and he plays a completely different character. He co-stars in that one with my boyfriend, the late David Warbeck, but I think Number did such a, uh, number on me as a kid that it edges its way to the front of my favorite Thriller episodes! Sorry David, I still love you.
Thriller has had a long and complicated history with American television. ABC originally picked up several episodes to air late at night during what they called the Wide World of Mystery. This programming ran inside ABC’s Wide World of Entertainment block which was the network’s attempt to rival the late night popularity of The Tonight Show. Several unrelated projects were run, including In Concert, and a re-cut version of Monty Python’s Flying Circus. This setup was popular in the beginning (read this Time magazine article featuring some quotes from glowing executive Michael Eisner, who was then Vice President in charge of program development), but it soon fizzled out, and ABC eventually dropped almost everything except the movie programming, which was re-titled ABC Late Night. Other re-runs of popular shows like Fantasy Island also aired, but it petered out pretty quickly and this block of late night programming only ran from 1973 – 1976. While Thriller was often featured in this setup, there were a lot of American productions, many of which remain quite obscure. Nightmare at 43 Hillcrest actually had a VHS release, but it’s probably The Cloning of Clifford Swimmer that I see referenced most often. I think Alien Lover also had a VHS release because I remember once seeing it selling on Ebay for over $100!!! That’s how rare most of the non-Thriller titles are! Aside from a smattering of information at IMDb, there is very little online regarding the series of films. Dial a Deadly Number was apparently not a part of the Wide World of Mystery, so this is what they call a tangent.
If you are interested in learning more about ABC's Wide World of Mystery (and really, who isn't?), check out these links:
Note: I am taking a short break from Freddie Prinze Week to co-review this movie with my favorite guys at Kindertrauama! Since I'm still knee-deep in boxes at the new digs, Unkle Lancifer was kind enough to loan me the stills for this review. Thanks Unk! And please stop by and check out their review of Deadly Messages!
Network: ABC Original Air Date: February 21st, 1985
Deadly Messages is an attractive looking film that is having an identity crisis. Unsure of whether it wants to venture completely into the supernatural, this thriller feels a bit uneven, but despite the disjointed tone of the story, it’s a great deal of fun and one of the best late entry made for TV horror films.
Beller behind bars? Only in my wildest Women in Prison fantasies!
Kathleen Beller is pretty Laura Daniels, a woman who holds temporary employment at a lush (and fabulously 80s) video dating service. Her live-in boyfriend, Michael (Michael Brandon) is a lawyer which explains why her apartment is so damn awesome. This, like, totally awesome girl named Cindy (Sherri Stoner) is staying with them, and man does she know how to crimp hair! Anyway, one night the couple goes out, leaving Cindy alone with Laura’s Ouija board, which leads to all kinds of mayhem. Upon returning home, Laura sees Cindy being attacked and possibly murdered, but by the time she is able to get the police, there is no trace of any problems. Granted, there’s no trace of Cindy either. Before long, Laura starts seeing Cindy’s assailant wherever she goes, but no one believes her. Can she figure out the mystery and save her own life before it’s too late?
Fah-reaky Wee-gee!
Deadly Messages riffs heavily on DePalma’s Body Double in the film’s two best scenes. The first is Cindy’s attack scene which might not have that phallic drill, but the bird’s eye view does definitely harken to my favorite DePalma film (it strongly recalls Barbeau’s death scene in Someone's Watching Me as well). The second scene is at the mall, and if you’ve seen Body Double, then you know what I’m talking about. Aside from that distinct imagery, Deadly Messages couldn’t be less like Body Double, but it does have that highly glossed sheen that many 80s thrillers had. There is no denying the decade this film was made in, even if the story feels more akin to the old school 70s TV movie.
He wears his sunglasses at night
This late entry thriller could easily be a theatrical. It’s got such a big, slick look to it, I was surprised to find out it was made for television when I first saw it eons ago on Encore. The leads are fantastic, but then again Beller and Brandon have yet to let me down. The only problem I have is getting the film from point A to B by dipping into a couple of sub-genres instead of just diving into one and going for it. However, Deadly Messages is entertaining and luxuriant; capturing a sleeker, more sophisticated version of the 80s, where crimped hair may reign supreme, but nary a scrunch sock or stone-washed jean will be found! I also adored Stoner’s performance as Cindy. She’s like PJ Soles on crack and helps open the film with a burst of energy. Deadly Messages does its best to maintain that level of kooky oomph and since it succeeds more than it fails, I give many points to this sly little flick for trying to add some vigor to the dying TVM genre.
As many of you know, This House Possessed is my all time favorite TV movie, and not just because Parker Stevenson is so tasty in his Sergio Valentis either! Possessed is a genuinely entertaining film that has carried me through all things good and bad and I love finding other fans of the best TVM going! Thanks to Aunt John at Kindertrauma for sending along this link to Vinnie Rattolle's blog which takes an incredible look at Possessed, offering tons of interesting tidbits and some nice pics as well! If you are so inclined to get your Possessed fix-on, you can also look at my own picture gallery and read my review (you can read my capsule review here). All the kids are doing it, so why not stop on by!
In other TV movie news, a movie theater in New York called the 92YTribeca is screening two awesome classics: Bad Ronald and Don't Go To Sleep!!! These screenings are on separate nights, so please click on the links for the deets. Oh man, I so wish I was closer to New York! If you can go, please report back, I'd love to hear about how the screenings went! And another big thank you goes to Meep over at Cinema du Meep for the head's up!
Recently, I came across a website for a man named Ryal Haakenson who chronicled his time as an extra in movies. He's got a special section just for his work in TV movies! Most of these look like they were shot and released in the 90s, so it's a nice little inside look at the dying breed of the television movie.
And finally, although it's not TV movie related I still thought this was worth mentioning - if you get Antenna TV, then be prepared to catch the incredible Three's Company spinoff Three's a Crowd, starting June 27th at 6 pm! And yes, I said incredible! I adore this show just about as much as Company, the combination of John Ritter and Robert Mandan is absolutely perfect! Crowd was a truly funny sitcom that deserved more than the one season it got. It's worth revisiting, so if you have the chance, I say go for it!
