Nature's Fury Blogathon: Ants (aka It Happened at Lakewood Manor, 1977)

Network: ABC 
Original Airdate: December 2nd, 1977 

Before I start any review, I always conduct cursory research on my chosen film and hope for the best. Some of the most famous TV movies have little to no information, and sometimes the most obscure movies pull up all kinds of stuff (Dude, I can read all about Sorority Kill even if I can’t watch it). Associated Press was a fickle beast is all I will say about it. And then, I’m just Googling-along all innocent-like for info on Ants, and one of the first returns is SUZANNE SOMERS BREASTS ANTS! Well, that just about sums up what is arguably the most iconic scene in Ants (aka It Happened at Lakewood Manor). But let’s be honest, Ants ain’t exactly rife with “iconic” images; however, it is certainly well regarded, and well remembered by those who caught it when they were young enough to accept some of the more ludicrous moments. Upon a recent rewatch of Ants for this review, I found that the film is even more delightful than I remembered. Crazy and inconceivable for sure, but also a bit darker in tone than I was expecting and a little icky too.

The plot is as straightforward as they come: When a construction site accidentally unearths a swarm of poisonous ants during a dig, nearby Lakewood Manor is overrun by the little guys. Chaos ensues.

Well, OK, so there’s a lot of melodrama in there too. This is what we call character development, and some of it is clunky and awkward, especially anything with Ethel, played by the great Myrna Loy. Now, I’ve seen Myrna in a few TV movies and she’s generally a treat (Do Not Fold, Spindle or Mutilate and The Elevator are two great examples), but it’s obvious that she was not into the material. However, the main stars Lynda Day George and Robert Foxworth make the most of what’s been given to them, and I actually felt invested in watching them crawl out of that hotel shaped anthill with all their lovely bits intact.

Most of the subplots are romance driven, which is always a plus for my starry-eyed inclinations. For example, Valerie (George) and Mike (Foxworth... or Foxy-worth as I have been known to call him), who make one of the most gorgeous made up couples ever, are interested in getting Valerie’s mom, Ethel to sell Lakewood Manor so they can move to San Francisco and live happily ever after... and send her mom packing to Florida. There’s also a pretty and hippie-ish drifter named Linda (Karen Lamm) who is tired of life on the road and hooks up with OMG gorgeous Richard (Barry Van Dyke), and love instantly blossoms. Heck, even the construction inspector (Anita Gillette) seems to have a bit of chemistry with the ant expert (Bruce French)!

And, if it isn’t about falling in love, it’s about the end of love, such as the story with Marjorie (Barbara Brownell) who is staying at the Manor with her son, Tommy (the forever adorable Moosie Drier) as she recovers from a divorce. And, of course no epic TV movie about insect invasions is complete without a little sinful love, and we get that with Miss Antsonbreasts herself, Gloria (Somers) and the evil Tony (Gerald Gordon) who is obviously lecherous and easily tagged as the guy who’s going to mess everything up. He does it in a spectacular fashion though, so all is forgiven. See, TV movies have never been about subtlety, which works in the favor of this compact, and economical little disaster/insect amok flick.

But, despite all of the romantic shenanigans, audiences really showed for the creepy-crawly treachery, and it is done very well. While I miss the Empire of the Ants ant-cam, there’s plenty of up close vermin shots, and lots of brave actors let those buggers crawl all over them (the above referenced Somers to name but one). And no one is safe from potential victimization. There’s a great scene with Tommy frantically jumping into a pool even though he can’t swim because he’s covered in coffee grounds… er, I mean... ants. Yikes.

There is also a fantastic firetruck ladder stunt, which leads to an OK helicopter stunt that ends with a horde obnoxious stunt onlookers finding themselves in the line of fire. At this point, I was definitely rooting for the ants.

The ant expert gives us the lowdown on why the ants are out for blood: buried for years, these insects have sucked up all of the toxins we humans have tried to entomb and hide away within the earth. Yes, humans are pretty much to blame for everything, so I’ll buy it. But, then we are told these ants, which have already killed at least two people and injured a few more, aren’t aggressive if you are just real still. So, then we get a shot of three actors sitting motionless with little tubes (made out of 1970s wallpaper!) in their mouths so they can breathe. I remember when I first saw this as an adult and I wondered if it was really so hard to step on them and just leave? But, ludicrous is part and parcel for our little insect amok flicks, and I’ve learned to take my ant havoc with a grain of salt. Wait, doesn’t salt kill ants? Hmmm, maybe they could have done that?

In the confident hands of journeyman TV director Robert Scheerer (Changing Scene, Poor Devil and tons of episodic fare), and with a script by TV movie veteran Guerdon Trueblood (The Love War, Sole Survivor, and Ants' companion Tarantulas: The Deadly Cargo), and thanks to the actors who wanted to be there (and also to Myrna for just showing up cuz I still love her so), Ants is a good reminder that even if a telefilm doesn’t get under your skin (ha!) television factory filmmaking was often much better than it should have been.

This review is part of Cinematic Catharsis's excellent Nature's Fury Blogathon! Check out more of the reviews here and here. 

A Cry in the Wilderness (1974)

Network: ABC
Original Air Date: March 26th, 1974

I wasn’t old enough to watch A Cry in the Wilderness when it originally aired as a Tuesday Movie of the Week back in 1974, but I do have hazy and warm memories of catching this awesome little thriller on our local channel. However, I had mostly forgotten about Wilderness until just a few years ago when a friend of mine took me to meet the director, Gordon Hessler! I’m not quite sure how I got invited to that event, but I do openly admit to drinking Manhattans with Mr. Hessler and talking about movies. I had a total flashback when the title came up.

Skunk Gone Wild

Hessler dabbled in both small screen and B movie fare, and Wilderness is a decent combo of the two. At times I felt as though I was watching a potentially caustic drive-in flick, while other times felt oh-so-TV-movie. And I loved it! George Kennedy is Sam Hadley, a rough and tumble big city factory worker who longs to return to his country roots. He buys an isolated piece of land and dreams of selling fatted cows at the local market. Dream big, Sam! He brings his wife Delda (Joanna Pettet looking every bit the big city girl) and their son Gus (the adorable Lee Montgomery who was not so cute when he played Bobby in Dead of Night) along for the ride. They have only been enjoying the outdoors for about a month when Sam is bitten by skunk while pulling out a tree stump. Since they are about two days from civilization, Sam puts off a doctor visit until he finds the skunk dead. Apparently this little guy had traces of rabies and now Sam might find himself in the same predicament.

George Kennedy Gone Wild

Like all sensible farm folk, Sam chains himself to a pole in the barn and sends his wife off for help. He know the emblems of going rabid-cray-crazy, and warns his son that if he shows any sign of hydrophobia (a fear of water), or tries some kind of sly Tom Foolery on Gus as a way to get unchained, he’s gone off the deep end and Gus should run. Of course, this coincides with a flood heading straight towards their home! So is Sam going insane or just protecting his family and property? 

Chained to his love

Wilderness was beautifully shot by veteran Harry L. Wolf, who worked primarily in television. I won’t kid you, this movie relies on a threadbare plot, but it is visually stunning and that helps move the film along. The flashback scenes are eerie, and there is a great shot of Delda in a car with a potential rapist. Good lord! Her story almost veers into total exploitation, but luckily it's prevented from going too far thanks to FCC standards. Never thought I’d thank the FCC, but there you go.  At any rate, it's intense. 

The storm before the calm

The entire cast is in fine form, making the most of what little was offered to them. And despite focusing heavily on Sam and Gus, Wilderness crams in a few hillbillies to give it that B movie edge. Overall, it feels surprisingly epic, maintains its suspense and works despite its total WTF ending. Let’s give a point to the rabid skunk for a job well done.

She's looking for the nearest Vogue fashion shoot

Oh and by the way, Wilderness is available on DVD. Yay! 

The Wolf-boy Subgenre on TV... It exists!

Stalk the Wild Child
Network: NBC
Original Air Date: November 3rd, 1976

Lucan Pilot
Network: ABC
Original Air Date: May 22nd, 1977

Is it a forgotten piece of television history that feral children were all the rage in the 1970s? The tele-film Stalk the Wild Child aired in 1976 and was followed by the short-lived series Lucan in 1977. Both featured boys who were raised alone in the wilds of the forests, with nothing but their wits and a few scary dogs to keep them company. While Stalk delves into the psychological underpinnings of this horrific situation, Lucan just sort of makes the kid grow up to be all cute and good-natured (when he isn’t kicking ass). OK, so both of them grew up to be cute. Cutie pie feral men. Wow. Now that’s a sub-genre.

There have been plenty of legends throughout the centuries, but Francois Truffaut’s film Wild Child may have been the biggest influence on Stalk the Wild Child. Ben and Joseph Bottoms play Cal, a kid who is somehow left to his own devices in the forest. Dr. Hazard (David Janssen), a behavioral psychologist “adopts” Cal and hires a beautiful speech therapist named Maggie (Trish Van Devere) to teach him how to speak. For the most part, it would seem Cal is in good hands… until he grows up. He attends the premiere of Dr. Hazard’s film, which posits Cal as gawky, scary and idiotic star. Cal feels completely exploited by the doctor and seeks solace with a con artist publisher who plans to manipulate Cal in a whole new way. This leads the wolf boy to question what it really means to be civilized.

Joseph Bottoms, who plays the older version of Cal, brings a sympathetic touch to the young boy who people can’t stop taking advantage of. The frustrating ending rests on Cal’s redemption instead of exposing the “civilized” adults as the culprits. They, in fact, remain in his life in a positive way. Will Cal ever learn?

Stalk the Wild Child is an awfully catchy title, and it was the third one producers came up with, opting out of using either Feral or Running Free (which was dumped because it sounded too much like Born Free), and the film was a runaway success upon it’s initial release, landing in the top spot of that week’s Neilsen’s with over 14 million viewers. Aside from the connection to Truffaut’s Wild Child, Stalk may have made a nod to the Indian Wolf Boy, Dina Sanichar, who lived in the 1800s. Like Cal, he was found by hunters and repositioned back into society. Unlike Cal, Dina never was able to speak. I know this tele-film skates on the thin ice of TV movie reality, but I prefer the idealistic end in comparison. Hey, that’s how I roll.

Lucan debuted less than a year later in 1977. It wasn’t as interested in probing the psyche of a young boy reared by a pack of wolves, concentrating instead on Lucan’s kindly disposition and ability to make his eyes glow before he kicks ass. Lucan is far more reminiscent of The Incredible Hulk, as he goes in search for his birth parents. What he ends up finding instead are some mixed up people that he can help through his folksy ways. Or something like that.

Initially, a kindly college professor, who turns out for once to actually be kindly, adopts Lucan. As a young adult, the wolf-boy attends the college his father works at. The school is hesitant to let Lucan continue his education there, despite the fact that he had developed into smart young man and is a decent case study who brings some notoriety to the college. One academic monkey even insinuates that Lucan might use his beastly powers to overcome some of the co-eds so he can make little feral babies. Lucan loses his protection when a car hits his adopted father, and he escapes his life as an experiment and hits the road, looking for work, his family and insights into the world. He works in opposition to Cal in the respect that Lucan is allowed to tap into his primordial resources in an effort to teach lessons to the various people he meets. It’s a far sweeter tale and the pilot features the irrepressible Stockard Channing as Lucan’s first friend.

The most common aspect that both Lucan and Stalk share, aside from being feral children, is that each adopted parent films the rearing of their children. In Stalk, it is done to further the career of the so-called kindly doctor, whereas we see the father in Lucan act like a father. In fact, when Lucan watches the movie, he is not ashamed. Poor Cal. That kid cannot catch a break! Otherwise, these movies are very different, with Lucan taking on a much lighter tone. Honestly, I am grateful for that! However, in both films, viewers only have to endure and accept the very basic of scenarios, as both of these browbeaten, weatherworn kids go from dirty little dog-boys to hunky geniuses! This, my friends, is why I love TV.

When ratings meant something!
(Lucan ad courtesy of The Classic TV Archive)

When Snowbeast Rocked our World...

What were you doing the night of April 28th, 1977? Well, if you lived in one of these 16.8 million homes, you were probably watching Snowbeast.

According to Nielsen, Snowbeast was numero uno for the week ending May 1st. And who wouldn't want to watch this fun little yarn that riffs on Jaws and Grizzly and just about every other animals-gone-amok-during-an-important-event-sub-genre?

In case you didn't know, the answer is no one.

While it's been some time since I've seen Snowbeast, I recall it fondly and I'd like to direct you to an old review I did for Camp Blood.

I had no idea that the film was so popular during its original run.  Reading the Nielsen ratings for this week in the bygone year of 1977 only made me nostalgic for network tele-films.

Wait.

I'm always nostalgic for TV movies.

Let's just say more nostalgic, K? And leave out the word obsessed before The Movie of the Week issues a restraining order against me!

Strays (1991)

Network: USA
Original Air Date: December 18th, 1991

If we’ve learned one thing since the invention of the interwebs it's that we love cats.  Boy do we love cats. If you have a Facebook account I’m sure you’ve seen at least one of a gazillion kitty memes that pop up on an hourly basis. And then of course there are the cat videos. Arguably, there is none so cute as the one with the cat watching a Chuck Norris flick:




Yes sir, we adore cats and we’ve elevated them to a somewhat mythical status as the bitchy constant in our lives. Sure cats give ‘tude, but they give the cute too. How many times have I grabbed my cat and screamed “You’re so cute!” Too many is the answer (just ask my cats!). But during this feline reign of power no one has questioned the darkness that apparently lies within. Well, no one except Shaun Cassidy who wrote the made for TV thriller Strays in 1991.


I would name this little guy Mookie
Cats can indeed be a little creepy if you have the right cat actor, and Strays definitely employs one mean mutha (i.e. Mookie), but ultimately while the film is fun it is never really scary. Timothy Busfield plays Paul Jarrett, dedicated husband and successful lawyer. His wife Lindsey (Kathleen Quinlan) is a full time mom and they’ve decided to move out of the big, mean city and make a home out in the idyllic middle of nowhere. The house is a steal (as they always are in these kinds of movies) and as the small family begins to settle into nuclear family bliss, some strange things begin to happen. Just where did that phone repairman disappear to? And what happened to their dog? Well, it looks like some strays have also take up residence in the house and plan to keep it to themselves. 
  Kitty death 
The lead cat is indeed menacing and he perpetrates the violence occurring around the property, but his rag-tag band of kitty misfits are mostly adorable and I think I said “Awww” more times than “Ack!” Alas, anyone who sits down to watch a movie about violent feral cats must be aware of what they’re getting into, and Cassidy’s script, along with some good direction by John McPherson and a straight faced cast make Strays pretty entertaining stuff. Certainly the premise is far-fetched, but I also think if you are willing to just let the movie roll and take it as it is, there’s definitely some rainy afternoon fun to be had. I also think you could probably grab a beer with some friends and have a decent self-made MST3K session, so it’s a multi-purpose kind of movie. However, Strays is never boring. The last third of the movie boils down to man vs. feline and it’s done rather well. Props to Quinlan for playing the role as realistically as possible. She grounds the outlandish into something a lot more tangible, so while it’s loopy as all get out, it’s maintains the suspenseful moments - and there’s a great little tribute to Jaws 2 at the end! OK, that part was definitely hysterical and I do hope one day Shaun does an entire interview about his love of one of my favorite shark attack flicks, cuz I just know in my heart that he wants to.


Posse-cat!

Amanda By Night Jumps the Shark!

What a crazy month I've been having! I'm still in the process of moving, but for some reason, I seem to be in a flow with writing (at least for other sites!). This month at Retro Slashers we are looking at slasher-hybrids and my first article is on Jaws 2, an all time favorite of mine. I always say the original is actually my fave film, but the sequel just has so much gooey goodness, it gets extra play. Hope you enjoy my look at how Jaws is Jason with scarier teeth.

Also, I'll be doing a podcast tomorrow with the Movies about Girls crew! I should be coming on around 8 pm EST and we'll be discussing the original Heartbreak Kid!

I am arriving at my final destination at the beginning of next week and will hopefully be online shortly thereafter. I have lots to cram into the end of the month, as I have a very special theme coming up and two reviews. Until then, please feel free to vote on your favorite scary house TV movies and I'll be seeing you all soon!

Black History Month: Voyage of The Yes (1973)

Network: CBS
Original Air Date: January 16th, 1973

I had no idea that when I picked up my copy of the Voyage of the Yes that I was going to be watching a movie with two of my favorite studly funny guys who are in this month’s poll. I knew Mike Evans, most famous for playing Lionel Jefferson #1 on The Jeffersons was in it, but lo and behold, was that Scoey Mitchell I just laid my eyes on? Yes, it is. Scoey’s part is small but very important to this story about how complex and simple real friendship is.

Mike Evans is Orlando B. Parker. He’s from the Chicago slums but does his best to keep away from the nastier elements of his hood. Unfortunately, his uncle named Pretty (Scoey Mitchell) is doing his best to drag Orlando down to his level. During an argument, Orlando accidentally kills Pretty – and it ain’t pretty… I know, I’ve got a million of ‘em… and he goes on the run.

Pretty is about become less Pretty very soon!
Desi Arnez Jr. is Cal Maxwell. He’s the rich Beverly Hills type kid with a badass convertible and a sweet little boat. He is going off to college in the fall and wants to spend the end of his break sailing to Hawaii but his parents (played by the wonderful Beverly Garland and Skip Homeier) insist he bring someone. But Cal is a solitary kind of guy.

Luckily, Cal runs into Orlando, and asks him to go on his trip. No one knows much about Orlando, and they are especially unaware of the murder charges awaiting him if the law ever catches up to him. Essentially, Orlando is a really good guy, but this accident makes him do a lot of stupid things when he’s out at sea with Cal. It’s obvious he wants to punish himself, but because he’s young and a little immature, he ends up becoming a hazard to both himself and his shipmate. They wind up stranded because of his self-destructive behavior, and without gas, food and water, time is running out fast. It is here, which is the bulk of the film, we watch two men work together and form an intensely deep relationship that surpasses color and background.

Studs of the high seas!
Voyage of the Yes is one of the most quietly profound movies I have seen in a long time. It was originally intended to be a pilot and I think it would have made a compelling series, as we watched these men travel to various ports. As it stands, this film is a character study that embraces our many differences and commonalities. And like any good human drama, we get a decent shark attack as well! What was so interesting about the whole set up was that it is reminiscent of another shark-irific TV movie aptly titled Shark Kill, which came out three years later in 1976. In that film we’ve got a white and a Hispanic fighting the odds of nature and learning to understand each other along the way. The only difference was the pair in Shark Kill weren't even afforded the luxury of a boat, they were just floating around the ocean! The theme of man against shark was of course never better than in Jaws, but both Shark Kill and Voyage of the Yes do remarkable jobs getting inside their characters (granted, the shark scene in Voyage is only a small part of the film, albeit significant). These are small but effective films and something I wish we'd see more of today.

The quiet before the storm
Mike Evans is the standout. Taking Evans and Desi Jr. out of their comedic elements was a bold move, and the payoff is grand. Evans portrayal of Orlando is sensitive and heartfelt. It’s a little harder to like Cal at the beginning because he’s so remote, but that’s the point. Throughout their journey, Cal opens up and becomes a much more rounded character while Orlando comes to terms with what he’s done. This film makes great use of the Simon and Garfunkel song El Condor Pasa and the poignant and haunting ending has stuck with me for days.

I can’t say enough good things about this movie, but I’ll leave it simply at see this movie! It’s available through Amazon (DVD and Download) and it’s affordable too!

Amazons (1984)

Let’s face it, that Peter Scolari is cute as a button. He is! Amazons caught him somewhere between establishing himself as a great comedic actor on Bosom Buddies and finding Emmy accolades on Newhart (he was nominated three times!). Always a breath of fresh air, I think Peter is one of the greats… and awful nice to look at too!

See, he's even cute when he drives!
He has a short but fun part in Amazons. In fact, the role was small enough, I was sure it had come out before Bosom Buddies, but alas, this was a whole two years after the end of that short lived and incredibly awesome show. He plays Dr. Jerry Menzies in Amazons and finds himself “bosom buddies” (or so he hopes!) with the gorgeous new doctor named Sharon Fields (Madeline Stowe). She’s one of those nose-to-the-grindstone chicks (and says so herself!), with only the job on her mind. One of her first cases is a simple appendectomy but something goes horribly wrong and after a major freak out the patient (who just happens to be a bigwig senator) runs into an oncoming ambulance and goes splat.. Yikes! A gruff but hot detective is assigned to investigate. Lieutenant Tony Monaco (Jack Scalia) is obviously smitten with Sharon so he entertains these crazy notions she has that one of the female higher ups at the hospital, Dr. Diane Cosgrove (Jennifer Warren) has established something called Stallion Kill and is hell bent on getting rid of certain male big shots. And just who are all those six foot tall female employees who look like models and kick ass like Bruce Lee? Eventually Sharon and Tony find that there is a secret movement of Amazonian descendants who are trying to reclaim what they feel was stolen from them. They even have a school for Amazon in training tykes!

This is called ass kicking
Wow. They certainly don’t make them like this anymore. Amazons is told without one ounce of humor. That’s a bold decision, considering the material. This was Paul Michael Glaser’s first directing job (yup, Starsky made a movie! He’s actually a pretty successful director) and he employed the great Dean Cundey (Halloween, Roller Boogie, The Fog and oodles more) as the director of photography. The look of the film is fantastic. There are many beautiful, flowing and artistic shots and it pushes the film and helps keep it moving. I liked the way they chose to present this film because the women come off as sexy and cool and not overtly angry or annoying. Tamara Dobson from Cleopatra Jones plays one of the Amazons, and she steals every scene. If ever there was a woman perfect for the role of of an Amazon, it was Tamara. Also, Jennifer Warren’s character is thoughtful and caring; she adds a sympathetic element to the clandestine operation. She’s intent on taking over, but believes all women, not just the Amazons, should look out for each other. This creates quite a riff with the other girls when she tries to spare Sharon.

Making babies with Amazons is dangerous
Amazons is an odd film. I don’t think everyone would enjoy it because it is so openly serious. There’s no sense of irony here and it was obviously a labor of love for Glaser and Cundey. This is one of those movies that will probably find most of its audience with the already established group of TV movies fans (all four of us!), who appreciate the difficulty of making wild, over the top movies into something of mass appeal. I think this one falls a little short of the mass appeal, but remains charming all the same.

Quite possibly one of the greatest shots in a TVM

A Mouse, A Mystery and Me (1987)

Network: NBC
Original Air Date: December 13th, 1987

OK, how adorable is this? Some kid sees a department store Santa (played by Dick Van Patten) being kidnapped, so he rushes to his neighbor's house. His neighbor is the one and only Jill Roberts (Darcy Marta) a famous teen mystery novelist (wow!). Turns out she co-writes her books with a little mouse who chooses to remain anonymous. He's so cute and his name is Alex the Mouse (voiced by the wonderful Donald O'Connor!). Jill and Alex the Mouse are certain there is a simple explanation, but investigate so as to not disappoint this fairly unannoying kid...


The purse is apparently so desirable, she charges him rent! New Yorkers!

Turns out some department store employees weave tangled webs and after Jill accuses the wrong person of the crime (Sam Hall, played by the incredibly awesome Lloyd Bochner), she and her totally 80s bud end up in a big old mess. Can Alex the Mouse save Jill and Sam and Santa and the crazy 80s girl in time for Christmas?


By the way, what the effe are Puffalumps?!?



Whoops! Got off track...




A Mouse, A Mystery and Me was completely unknown to me until today when I was researching television Christmas specials which may be of interest for the yuletide blogging I wanted to do. It's not that odd, since I was past the age of cartoons by the time this aired, but still... it's kind of just a blip on the old classic TV radar. And that's too bad, because it's adorable, if a little too simple. Of course it's less than 30 minutes long, so perhaps uncomplicated was a wise choice. Currently, you can watch A Mouse, A Mystery and Me online! It's a delightful little show and is perfect for the rodent lover in your life!

Why don't you come up and see me sometime?

The Beasts are on the Streets (1978)

Network: NBC
Original Air Date: May 18th, 1978





Beasts has always been one of the golden chalices of made for television movies for me. I remember the ads featuring a tiger or panther on the hood of a car, but I’m sure I had never seen the actual movie. Yet that image stayed with me and I spent years looking for the film it came from, never knowing what the name was (and strangely, I thought I saw Chuck Norris in the ad too! Turns out it was just some guy with a moustache!). One day, I was doing one of those arbitrary searches on IMDb that I love to do when I’m bored (or at work!) and came across the irresistible title The Beasts are on the Streets. It struck a bell. But would watching Beasts ever live up to the memory of that great ad? That’s the chance you take whenever you take a childhood recollection and make it tangible (oh, I am so deep!). After years of searching for this movie, I finally landed myself a plum good copy and found myself enjoying every single second of it.

Not scary, but totally adorable!

This movie was made with the help of the Humane Society, which does my heart good. Being an almost life long vegetarian, I don’t eat meat because I just love animals so dang much. I take a chance every time I watch one of these animals attack films because if it looks too real, I’ll be a big old sack of tears in no time (I even feel bad when Jaws gets blown up!). I was worried Beasts would have the same effect, but being a TV movie produced by Joseph Barbera of Hanna-Barbera fame and all, I could count on it being fairly tame. And I for one am grateful!

Before Miami Vice, PMT still loved to pack heat!

This truck driver is having a really bad day. I mean, really bad. Like super really bad. He is darn near run off the road, has to take a nitro glycerin pill to avoid a heart attack (at which point he should of just pulled over) before running into the guys who originally tried to run him off the road. Now they are pointing a rifle at him, just cuz they are mean ol’ rednecks and the truck driver ends up crashing through a cheap barbwire fence that has been keeping several species of animals in a preserve (several species which should never be cohabitating, by the way). Well, now they are loose. All kinds of creatures are having their way with the huge car pile up the accident caused. There’s lions, tigers and bears, oh my! And ostriches and rhinos and all kinds of cute creatures… YAY! I know, I’m such an easy sell…



The strikingly beautiful Carol Lynley plays a veterinarian for the wildlife preserve. After helping a camel deliver her baby, she is one of the first to come to the aid of the panicked populace. .

That’s about 20 minutes in, folks. And now the beasts are all over the small town with only Lynley, a few of her cohorts (including Phillip Michael Thomas) and some tranquilizer darts to round up their animals.

Cartoon blood and a trucker

A nice mixture of the disaster genre with the animals amok genre, Beasts is a movie that is far more adorable than intense. There are still enough OMG moments though (like the car trying to run down an ostrich). I don’t mind when animals attack people, but I do seem to mind when they attack each other. All those years of Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom and it still upsets me.

The perils of being a young Farrah Fawcett wannabe

And there’s the obligatory theme dealing with how people are the real animals (finally, someone’s on my side!). If they had a show called When Animals Attack Jerks, I’d watch it everyday. These redneck hunter types wreak all kinds of havoc on the animals and you know, I just loved watching them get theirs!

So, now I have seen a movie I’ve spent the last 20 some odd years looking for. Was it worth it? Uh, doy! Do you even have to ask?